Guilt-Free Mum: How to Stop Guilt from Taking Over

“I feel so guilty” is a common phrase heard from mothers, a sentiment I frequently shared myself. It’s so prevalent that a recent search on Mumsnet for “I feel guilty” yielded over 72,000 posts. This illustrates how guilt has almost become an expected part of motherhood, along with sleepless nights and teething issues.

Many might assume that guilt fades after the early baby stages. However, this isn’t the case. For instance, when American actress and mother of two mentioned no longer feeling guilt, it turned out this was simply because her children are now in their twenties.

Mum guilt spans decades and arises for countless reasons, like being unable to breastfeed, returning to work, letting babies cry, or using screen time to occupy kids. It seems like there’s no end to the potential triggers for feeling guilty.

My own guilt hit hard when I first left my five-and-a-half-month-old son, Fin, at nursery to return to work as an air traffic controller. Though I sent expressed milk, he refused it, going the entire day without. While he had baby rice and water, I couldn’t shake the heartbreak from knowing he hadn’t had milk all day.

That day opened the floodgates. I felt guilty about using baby food jars instead of homemade purées, disposable diapers instead of more eco-friendly options, and a range of other choices. It became a vicious cycle, even though I’ve always loved being a mother. This guilt, however, kept me from fully enjoying motherhood.

Eventually, I realized that guilt was an obstacle to my family’s happiness and took steps to overcome it:

1. Recognize the impact of guilt on yourself and your family and decide to end its control.
2. Identify your guilt triggers, like dropping off the kids at daycare, raising your voice, or handing them an iPad for peace.
3. Examine your beliefs around these actions. For instance, if you feel bad for skipping bedtime reading, it might be due to a belief that a “good mum” reads every night.
4. Redefine your standards to focus on what truly matters. I found peace in reminding myself, “If I feed, clothe, and love my children, I am a brilliant mum.”
5. Be kind to yourself when things don’t go as planned. Imagine how you’d support a friend in your shoes, and offer yourself that same compassion.

A happy mum benefits the entire family, so I hope others will take steps toward becoming guilt-free mothers.